I spoke with my father today. I usually call him once a week to catch up on life and to stay in touch. My mom encourages it, and if I don’t talk to him every once and a while she gives me hell. So I called him today.
Usually we discuss our respective climates – “It’s been killer heat the last week! But, the weekend should cool off, got a breeze in the forecast.” “Oh great! It’s been nice here in [insert city name]. Kind of overcast this weekend in the mornings. It’s finally feeling like fall.” Once we get past the obligatory weather anything is free game. I either mention something about school, or friends, or my life working for the university. On the other hand, he might mention that he got to go hunting with Joe Blow and my cousin Joe Blow II. Or maybe he got to see my brother’s two little boys T and B (ages 2 and 7 months, respectively). Conversation isn’t necessarily strained, but it’s rarely easy for me. I have a lifetime of yelling and being shot down or put down to deal with. I don’t say this to garner pity – far from it! Everyone has their stuff to deal with. Mine happens to be a fairly tense past with my dad. But I call him. And we talk. And that act in itself seems to be reparative.
After today’s weather-talk, I mentioned that I had spent last weekend with a friend (D). This prompted him to ask me, much to my surprise, how I knew D. Normally he doesn’t probe into much that I say, but rather offers his sage wisdom or advice. Anyway, I told him how I met D over the summer and she was going to a pretty conservative seminary down the freeway, and that she is also dealing with the trials of being gay at a Christian school. In my mind: SHIT! Didn’t mean to say that. Backspace, backspace, backspace! Too late. A few beats of silence, then,
“Son, we don’t need to talk about that.
Right. Anything but “that”. How could I forget, and bring “it” up so carelessly. Nevertheless, I was willing to overlook his bit of callousness. He grew up (and lives) in a totally different culture. But then,
“Thanks for calling. I’ll talk to you later.
He said all of this in his deep, concerned voice. The voice that he used to use when I’d do something dumb, like break something that was in the garage. The voice that said, “You’ve crossed a boundary and I’m displeased with you.” I thought that we had come so far. That I could call him and just chat with him, unlike our previous years when every conversation was a subtle power play that he had to win every time. I like to think that I’m unbreakable, like Bruce Willis in that movie. But, I’m not. I dwell on his words all afternoon and think about how insignificant he thinks of me being gay. It’s as if he has a new cell phone (he buys them all the time for work) and he REALLY likes it. But, there’s a scratch on the back so he covers it with a piece of tape and just doesn’t look at the back of the phone for fear of seeing his entire, broken, imperfect phone.
I can’t tell Mom. She’ll bring it up with him, and then it becomes an “issue,” and he’ll be forced to offer an apology, only as Mom can make him do. I don’t want that! I don’t want to be the perpetual victim in our relationship. So I’ll call him next week. And we’ll talk about the weather. I hope it rains so that I can say more than, “Oh, it’s nice.”
-Ä
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November 6, 2007 at UTC4011UTC p20071330UTC06:
keltic
It’s the elephant in the living room. Everyone can see it, but no one is talking about it! This happens with my parents all the time. There are times that I am determined to talk about the issue, sometimes it is impossible to talk about my life without including the discussion of being gay and how it affects the situation. It gets discouraging to have the details of our lives ignored, negated, silenced, and all because our parents refuse to do their emotional homework.
November 6, 2007 at UTC5111UTC p20070530UTC06:
D
If I had a son, I would want him to be just like you, love. Also, i have all kinds of scratches on my cell phone, and I never cover them up with tape… so take that, evil, painful, world! Also, my parents are really fantastically skilled at changing the subject too… it must be a gene that comes along with having gay children… an innate talent for changing the subject when it shifts away from safe things like weather and icecream. Sigh. Until Saturday….
November 6, 2007 at UTC3911UTC p20074130UTC06:
C
If daddy knew…..
I have a sibling that daddy “knows” about. according to daddy this sibling (one of the most God fearing, logical, beautiful people I know) is giving up her job, her family, her church, possibly her future jobs, etc. To mutually masterbate another woman. I wanted to say:
WHAT THE HELL?! Is that what you really think this is about? First of all, the only person giving up is you! You are ripping the family apart! It’s not her fault that she is loosing people and things….It’s the persecutors fault… It’s your fault! And second of all… How dare you demean her! How dare you allow the bond of unconditional love to become so conditional… Why?……………
And then, it hits me! What a horrible future. I’m gay.I have been for a very long time and now I see what my future looks like. I know I’m not ready to “out” myself. And to say those things would be to out myself. He would see the passion and he would know. But to say nothing would be cowardice. So I opened my mouth and I spoke:
“I support her! I think you are wrong and I have many well developed reason to believe as I do. I love you… But the way you respond to this will effect my relationship with you. Love for a daughter is unconditional. I Support her!”
To which he responded:
“I will always love my daughter but support is a slippery slope…”
He doesn’t get it… and I’m not ready to show him. If daddy only knew…
~c
November 6, 2007 at UTC1411UTC p20074630UTC06:
curtismchale
I have had strained relationships in the past with my dad, not regarding sexuality but, and this reminds me of all the times I just wanted his attention or approval. I am lucky now in that we have as good a relationship as possible with two people involved. I hope that someday you too can have a father that encourages and loves you. One that supports you.
November 6, 2007 at UTC0411UTC p20071030UTC06:
Phil
Nice blog “A”.
“C” You made me cry.
Thanks.
~ Phil
November 6, 2007 at UTC3011UTC p20071830UTC06:
B
Sigh. I finally was ready to catch up and actually read the blog after a long long day.
And it pains me so much to know that not only do we have to deal with the frustrations and struggles of normal lives… of normal family relationship functions (and/or dysfunctions), of normal levels of stress that come with life, and friendships, and schoolwork.
But to add to our family lives, our friendships, and even our school and church environments, we have to tack on our sexuality… our status as a minority, as being “different”, and as a minority that is viewed as immoral. Ugh. As if living life wasn’t hard enough! As if being a minority in general wasn’t hard enough!
I have yet to tell my parents. I know that will be an awful day. For now, it is hard enough to tell people I think will be supportive, to live my life without hiding from the people I come into contact with day to day. Perhaps someday..
A, I’m sorry. Maybe someday it will get better, i hope so…for all of us.
November 7, 2007 at UTC2411UTC p20071030UTC07:
Beast
I thought pop would disown me.
I knew that I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him who I really was, lest I ruin our relationship. Lest I ruin years of joy.
But I did it. I told him. I looked him in the eye and told him I was attracted to guys. That I was still a Christian, but I wasn’t gonna marry the cute girlfriend from high school.
It took him a little, but dad loves me. I have no idea whether he agrees with my decisions or not, but he loves me. That much I know.
We swam together again. Pop knows, and he loves me.
God is bigger than what we think we know.
November 7, 2007 at UTC1111UTC p20070030UTC07:
Drew
Wonderfully articulated.
My wife and I have two sons and consistently feel this tension between what is normative (and the secret desire of having a daughter but not wanting another child which means that two straight sons who marry solve the equation) and the reality of loving our sons for whoever they are or may be. In fact the tension is that I despise the language “love them whoever they are” because I am already setting myself up for imposing an expectation, an arbitrary value on their life – something I do not want to repeat as much as possible.
I think about value and how I am raising my children all the time. It is a tough balance because I do not want to impose myself on them and allow them to grow as individuals, but at the same time I know that until they reach a certain point, their sense of self is irreducibly wrapped up in me and my wife. As Robert Kegan argues, when your kids are toddlers all the way up through grade school, their sense of self is the parent, it literally is the parent. But when they get older, their sense of self is the opposite – it is not me anymore.
So I struggle with my honesty of my own expectations of the constitution of their personhood with my own sense of value that I should be as happy for them if they came out to me. But more than that, they should never feel the need to “come out” but take their sexuality as a matter of life’s struggles just like a junior high boy who fancies a girl.
So even someone like myself who despises the derision of gay culture in our world has to deal with the irreducible tension between what is normative in society and what is right in terms of my own understanding of self, and the self that Jesus asks us to be. So while I continue to ask for full inclusion of all persons regardless of gender orientation or sexual impulse, the true test of my honesty is the picture of both my sons as happily married gay men. That’s where I can feel the tension. But I am thankful that I recognize this tension now and can work through it until it is resolved. And my wife and I engage that conversation on a regular basis which is helpful.
November 7, 2007 at UTC3711UTC p20075730UTC07:
Casey
Drew, the fact that today straight parents are thinking about this, struggling with it and striving to be accepting of the possibility long before their children would come out is for me a sign of tremendous hope, and an amazing demonstration of God’s grace and the change that has been wrought in our society.
As to your struggles and the discomfort you feel because of that tension – don’t be ashamed of it. Almost every one of us who has had to come out has had to deal with a grieving process of sorts – mourning the loss of that perfect image that we grew up with, even if that image is only being “like mom and dad.” You grow up thinking one thing, and suddenly have to adjust to another image – and that takes time. It took me years to get to the point where I could accept, in my own head, that I was gay and that was okay. It was only fair – I realize now, in retrospect – that my parents would also take some time to come to that conclusion.
In struggling with this now, I think you’re doing something that is profoundly responsible, and a sign of your being a good father. You’re getting as much of that struggle out of the way now, so you can better be there for your kid if one of them should ever need you like that – and that’s awesome. Thanks for your perspective, and God bless you.
November 7, 2007 at UTC4811UTC p20071630UTC07:
A
Thank you for all the comments. Being a few days removed from the encounter, I definitely feel better about our relationship. Dad is just going through what took me years. I can cut him some slack
keltic – the elephant analogy DEFINITELY rings true! And it’s not unique to gay issues. I know my brother went through his fair share (he’s 5 years older than I, married with 2 kids) with my parents also. Just on different things.
D – Thanks, but I’ll just remain your friend, not son, if that’s alright with you. You are like a century older than me, but…ya know.
C – My heart (still) goes out to you. I can only imagine viewing things from behind a glass window, and knowing that you could easily replace your sister in the whole scenario. Stay strong, friend, and I pray that some day God could lead you to a place of peace with your parents and still have full disclosure.
curtismchale – It’s reassuring to know that other people have had not the easiest times with their dad. Within the last year I’ve come to the decision that my life isn’t that much harder than anyone else’s – just in different ways. In talking to mentors, friends, pastors, etc. I’ve definitely seen that parents play a huge role in the formation of the person, but it’s not the end-all be-all that we sometimes make it out to be.
Phil – Thanks
And welcome.
Beast – ENTIRELY encouraging to hear your “survival” story. Makes my heart sing to know that someone has reached the ideal that I see for me and my dad.
Drew – Wow. That’s all that I can say. Thank you for being so honest! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your saying what you do. I forget that I can make my dad an “Other” as much as I claim that the world makes me the “Other.” And I absolutely applaud you for even thinking about your sons like this! If statistics hold true, you’ll have two straight boys. But, to consider that your children might be gay, and to wrestle with the implications…shows incredible strength of spirit. In talking to other parents, one of their first reactions is, “I would still love you unconditionally were you my son. But, realize that this is hard on your parents, too.” I get it. I really do. The grieving process that I go through is mirrored in my parents (wife, family, kids, Suburbia…). Thanks again for your input!
Casey – I echo your thoughts. A world where having a gay child would be considered even remotely “normative” gives me such hope.
November 27, 2007 at UTC2311UTC p20072930UTC27:
- A
I think it’ll take time for your father to get accustomed to having a gay child. Hopefully you and him can maybe discuss it, rather than try and avoid the situation. It’s weird in this time that most people are still not acceptive of people who are gay.
I don’t get it, in my eyes … people accept inter-racial marraiges these day’s. Why not two dudes together? It just takes time … a very slow and mundane process.
February 13, 2008 at UTC4502UTC p20085329UTC13:
jos76
Parent relationships are never easy. I have luckily had a great experience with my in-laws and my parents are supportive as well. My partner and I are legally married in Massachusetts and we attend an open and affirming congregation of the United Church of Christ.
My partner always says that his father in particular was very different while he was growing up. Now that he has seen his gay son in a supportive and respectful relationship, he feels much differently.
I began a blog about our life in a gay marriage and often make reference to our family members. Last week, I got an email from my father-in-law after he read a post telling me and my partner that we help him to be a better person by helping him to understand people better.
There’s hope.
Jos76
http://www.jos76.wordpress.com